The (new) New Yorker

Long Island Native Still Wearing Shorts Despite the Cold

2007-12-06T12:03:00.001-08:00

Regardless of the two feet of snow that blankets the ground outside his half of the duplex, East Meadow native Thomas Sheppard has made the decision to continue wearing his favorite pairs of shorts. “I’m not worried about the cold”, he said while reclining on his IKEA futon, “I was in the Marines, this sort of stuff doesn’t affect me like it does other people”. Sheppard, who works from home as an online tutor, says that while his electric bill may go up due to the constant heater usage, the pros far outweigh the cons. “So I have to pay a little more a month because I keep my house at a balmy 72 degrees, but who else can say that they get use out of their Brookstone ‘Cool It!’ personal hand-held fan year round?” While Thomas may be confident in his decision to continue his shorts-usage, his friends think he’s absolutely crazy. Drew Peterson, who served in the Marines with Thomas, thinks that Thomas’ mind may be showing signs of fatigue. “Yes, we were in the Marines, and yes, we’re a little less prone to being affected by the elements, but we’ve been out of the military for 15 years. We’re not as young and able as we were back then. Just the other day I caught him about to wash his car while it was snowing, and the only way I managed to keep him from catching hypothermia was by telling him that there was a Marine Corp special showing on the History channel.” Thomas dismisses his friends and families concerns but does appreciate their thoughts. “For the last 6 years the only time I ever heard from my family was on the holidays, now they call me a few times a day.” The National Weather Service has issued a Blizzard Warning for the greater New York state area, but still Thomas hasn’t begun to pack up his summer shorts. “Why would I pack everything away when I’m just going to have to unpack them in a few months anways?”

Teen Completely Surprised at His Acute Popularity

2007-12-06T10:17:00.001-08:00

17-year old Mark Bower received quite a shock on Monday, when he discovered in the new school yearbook that he had been voted as the ‘Most Popular’ boy in school. Mark, a junior who attends Tumbleweed High School in San Diego, CA, says that this news was particularly shocking because he often felt himself to be rather dull. “I mean, sure, people have a tendency to say hello to me in the hallways, and they always ask me to sit at their lunch tables, but I always assumed that they wanted to get me to like them so they could get some of the liquor I swipe from my parents liquor cabinet.” Most of Marks classmates describe Mark as an easy-going guy with a flair for board shorts, Taco Bell, and Bob Marley. English Literature classmate Stephanie Kramer, who sits behind Mark, tells about the many days spent behind Mark in class, daydreaming about the day that he will turn around, and ask her what day it is. “Is there nothing more romantic than when an adolescent boy asks you what answer you got for question six? Or when he says, ‘they gave me your paper by mistake’? A girl can only dream…” Even some of Marks teachers have developed a keen liking for the boy who up until this week considered himself a ‘band geek’ (even though he doesn’t play an instrument). 5^th period Physical Education teacher Scott Pajunen says of Mark, “He was always a very considerate guy. He wouldn’t think anything of letting you go ahead of him in line for the water fountain, or sacrificing himself in Prison ball in order to save the captain. He was also very social and could often be found in the middle of a gang of cheerleaders, varsity football jocks, and an occasional office administrator. He even went out of his way a few times to keep me company while I locked up the storage closet.” Mark plans to parlay this new knowledge of his popularity into ‘getting girl’s numbers’, ‘skipping first period’, and possibly running for class president so they can have a slip-and-slide for Spring Fling. “How awesome would that be?” he asked while giving a freshman a wedgie.

Winehouse in the Bighouse

2007-10-20T07:16:00.001-07:00

R&B singer Amy Winehouse was thrown in the slammer yesterday in Norway after a fellow guest of the hotel that Winehouse and her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, complained of a weird smell. When authorities searched the hotel room they uncovered 7 grams of marijuana which led Winehouse and Fielder-Civil to be booked on drug-possession charges. After spending a few hours in jail, the couple paid 500 euros each and were released. This is just another spell with drugs for Winehouse who spent a brief amount of time in rehab earlier this year and was hospitalized for a reported drug overdose. This may be totally crass and off-base for us to say what we’re going to say next, but our skewed logic leads us to think that when your name is an alcoholic beverage, don’t you think it would be wise to you know, pretend like you lead a clean life? Otherwise it’s like shooting gays at a Pottery Barn opening.

Will the age of the hipster collapse with the demolition of CBGB?

2007-10-19T17:49:00.000-07:00

Doubtful. Hipsters are like any other trend, plague, invasion, virus, etc. Sure, you can demolish their home/ spray bug repellant/ develop a cure/ mercilessly extinguish their presence, however, even if you do manage to vacate them, they’ll be back. They always will. They will either develop an immunity, evolve into an even stronger strand, or they will leave for awhile and then when the moments right they’ll… strike. Demolition has begun on the underground spawning joint for punk rock, CBGB. The club that closed in 2006, and whose former owner Hilly Kristal subsequently died a year later, has forced those that for all intents and purposes lived and breathed the punk life to find another venue for their suffocatingly-tight jean wrapped asses to carry on their mission. Kind of like hermit crabs. Once their home is no longer suitable, they scurry out into the daylight looking for a new place to reside and cram themselves in the moment they find one. There’s no wandering about, exploring the new neighborhood, grabbing a cup of java at the new Starbucks (which will most likely be the new inhabitants of 315 Bowery). So now the real question is whether or not the old inhabitants of one of NYC’s most iconic nightclubs will follow the club to its rumored Las Vegas destination or whether they’ll descend upon some other hole in the wall joint here and raise it up to the same prominence as their founding home. We’re guessing it will be the latter, we don’t think Las Vegas will be a good fit. Too much sunlight, too many tourists, too many ‘family-orientated’ shenanigans. Imagine Billy Joel performing at Excalibur. Shudder.

Looking drowned is so hot right now

2007-10-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

Out of the Closet

We’re aware that Fashion Week is over, but we were browsing through Fashion Mecca’s website (style.com) and we came across this picture from the Nina Ricci show. We wondered what her inspiration for this collection could be. Sirens from The Illiad? Corpse Bride perhaps? Mermaids? Whatever it is, Princess Ariel ain’t got nothing on this girl:

Nina Ricci show Syle.com

Don’t blame yourself Joe Torre, blame the bigots that run MLB

2007-10-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

Are we Yankee’s fans or are we Met’s fans? We’re not quite sure where we stand on this decisive issue, however we think if Joe Torre was smart, he’d spend next baseball season rooting for the Rangers (ed. Note: yes, we’re aware that that is a completely different sport). But with Torre’s decision not to return next year as the New York Yankees manager, one can only assume that either Torre has grown tired of being the highest paid Major League Baseball manager in history, or he is being essentially given the boot by the self-absorbed, jerky Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and spawns Hank and Hal. As George himself said during an interview yesterday, “Our goal is to win it every single year, even though we know, obviously, you can’t win it every single year. But nothing less than a championship is considered really acceptable”. Our emphasis here is on the phrase, ‘but nothing less than a championship is considered really acceptable’. Really? No, really? So all that talk about ‘playing because we love the game’ or ‘do your best and that’s all that matters’ was all B.S.? We are so going to have a talk with our high school track coach after this. Even the Olympic creed goes: "The most important thing . . . is not winning but taking part". When did playing sports (which translated into its original form in French literally means leisure) become so competitive that merely playing wasn’t good enough, it became all about being the ‘best’? Oh, that’s right; it changed when money entered the picture. Once people realized that there was money to be had, playing a competitive sport became commercialized in every way possible. Merchandise. Salaries. Incentives. Joe Torre was offered 5 million to manage the Yankees next year with a 3 million bonus if the team made it to the World Series. We don’t parade around proclaiming to be saints, but when we’re talking about millions and millions of dollars to be playing a sport that you can play at the empty lot down the corner for free, it just seems, we dunno, stupid?

Joe Torre says No: NY Times

Britney: Save face, use foot

2007-10-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

Everything&Nothing

Britney Spears can’t see her kids at all anymore. AND she apparently ran over a photog’s foot. Man, if ever there was a reason to want to move to LA, she would be it. But then again, we aren’t sure that Crazy Celebrity Mishaps are covered under our insurance policy.

Britney runs over photog foot? People

The (new) New Yorker Intro

2007-10-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

The (new) New Yorker is a pure, unadulterated, subliminally-smooth take on today’s current events, who-dun-it’s, juicy gossip, and everything else we decide to run. While we rather enjoy constantly talking about ourselves (New York City) we are aware that occasionally, important things happen elsewhere in the world. Who knew? As a result, we will cover topics from all over the USofA but really, isn’t the Brangelina overtake of NY far more important than that creepy ‘modeling agent/lawyer’ for the girl that said she was forced into ‘kinky’ sex with Jeffrey Epstein in Florida? Absolutely.